I might be jinxing us, but...

So far, the transition to formula has been smooth.

Maggie finished off the last of my breastmilk this morning. I'm sure it was more of an event for me than for her, and since I was at work, I didn't even get to witness it. (I think this was a good thing, because I probably would have cried.)

My dad said she had a pretty good day today. Only one major throw-up, and it was just after she had eaten 3/4 of and ounce from the bottle (yes, you read that right). She still isn't a great burper, and my dad thinks it was really just a trapped burp that triggered the vomiting. She took a long nap this afternoon, and woke up and ate another 3/4 of an ounce from the bottle (yes, you read that right again).

We are actually doing a trial back on the Neosure, which is the preemie formula we were discharged with to add to the breastmilk. I wondered in the beginning if Maggie was vomiting because of the formula, that she had a milk allergy. But we tried fortifying the breastmilk with the Neosure for a few days, and she has had it all afternoon and evening without much fanfare, so that's good news. The Neosure is specially formulated with extra calories and nutrients that Maggie needs as a preemie, so it makes everyone (read: pediatricians and parents) happy that she's tolerating it so far. I haven't seen a change in the vomiting since starting it, so as long as it doesn't get worse, and she doesn't get a rash or anything, I'm going to keep her on it.

I am getting excited about starting Maggie on baby foods. I am getting NERVOUS about starting Maggie on baby foods. I am so afraid that she will hate eating altogether, that it's not just a fear of the bottle, that she'll develop a full on oral aversion. She does let me put my fingers in her mouth, and just about every toy, blanket, binky in sight has been drooled on and chewed on, so that's good news. She even lets me rub her gums with the washcloth in her nighttime tubby, and when she's fussy, is often comforted when I rub her bottom gums (I think the teeth are moving around in there).

I feel better today than I did yesterday. I know that I gave her breastmilk for as long as I was able to. And that's great. It was much longer than many other women I know-- so many times I'll ask patients about breastfeeding, and they throw in the towel after only a couple of weeks. So I'm proud of myself, and I am trying to let go of the guilt...

It will be a struggle for a long time, I suppose. This misdirected guilt about premature delivery. It might be worse for me since I am in OB/GYN. I can't shake the feeling that I should have known. That I blew off my symptoms because of what I do for a living. But even if I had said something when I felt pressure at 24 weeks, even if I had been checked that Monday or Tuesday before she was born when I was so uncomfortable, even if I had thought to place a call to my practice at 5am when I woke up in pain... she would have come early.

She was always going to be a preemie. And I got picked to be her mommy. That's been my mantra when my thoughts darken. I got picked for her. So I will continue to forge on for my girl, my miracle, my sweet Peanut Face.

I got picked for her.
I got picked for her.

~Sara