I am exhausted.
That's all. Just exhausted.
It's not a physical fatigue. Not like when Maggie was in the NICU, I was working every day, pumping every 3 hours, driving back and forth to the hospital, staying up late at night worrying about her. I'm not THAT kind of tired.
I am just emotionally exhausted. I'm done. I have felt, for the last few weeks, that I have nothing left. I have no CHOICE about this, obviously. Maggie needs me. So I keep it together for her.
But, if I'm being honest:
I do NOT want to go to Hershey tomorrow. I do NOT want to pack 3 extra outfits, 2 extra NG tubes, 3 syringes, 3 bottles, 4 cans of baby food, diapers, wipes, toys, and a slew of kitchen towels to catch the almost certain puke (and not forgetting a change of clothes for ME, who will likely be wearing said puke). I do NOT want to get up at 5:45am and drive over an hour to the hospital. I do NOT want to do another Upper GI Series on my tiny 13 pound 1 year old baby. I do NOT want to worry that she will have another rectal tear from the barium they will use during the testing. I do NOT want her schedule to be off with feedings because of the testing. I do NOT want to sit around at the hospital for 5 hours between our studies and our Surgery appointment. I do NOT want to eat hospital cafeteria food for lunch. I do NOT want to talk to the surgeon about putting my Peanut Face under anesthesia. I do NOT want to hear about how they will cut into her body. I do NOT want to talk about a permanent feeding tube. I do NOT want to hear another person call Maggie "Failure to Thrive", because really, it sounds like they're calling ME the failure. I do NOT want to pray that she will sleep in the car on the way home. I do NOT want to worry if we will make it to Speech Therapy on time tomorrow afternoon. I do NOT want to get home so late that I just don't feel like eating dinner.
I do NOT want to be the mom of a micro-preemie anymore.
I think about 18 months ago-- December and January. I was so sick. I was the one throwing up nonstop! But I was SO HAPPY. Dan and I went to Disney so he could do the Marathon. I said we should ask for our money back because Disney promised that EVERYTHING was more magical there, but I can assure you that morning sickness is NOT. We were SO HAPPY.
And now we're going for more stupid tests. To get a stupid feeding tube. DAMMIT! I'm so angry.
I feel so alone in this. Don't misunderstand. I know I have ALL of your support and love and thoughts and prayers. I know there are parents out there that are familiar with the micro-preemie game. I know there are families out there that have situations considerably WORSE than I do. I know that I should "just" be thankful that Maggie is alive, that she doesn't appear to have any mental retardation, that she can breathe on her own, and so on. But I'm NOT. I'm pissed off that this is what her life is like. I'm pissed off that this is what MY life is like. Maybe this makes me ungrateful. I just feel...
You know, most of the time, I am able to put on a brave smile in the face of all of this. I'm just too tired to do that right now.
So, so tired.
~Sara
9 hours ago
5 comments:
Sara,
I've somewhat been in your shoes, but I think not to the degree of emotion that you have right now. Everytime I get pissed off because B is not doing everything a "normal" baby does, I just remind myself of the alternative. Call it wishful thinking, but I truly believe that once Maggie gets the feeding tube placed, all of your lives will be so much better. And g-tubes are not permanent, only temporary so you can just get thru this huge speedbump.
I wish I had all the right words to say to you to make you feel better. I've wanted to post sooner, to give you encouragement, but didn't want to make things worse.
Hopefully Maggie won't remember all of this. And hopefully you can look back on these moments one day in the near future and laugh about it.
I wish you all good luck in the next few days and will say extra prayers for you. Please email me if you need to vent, talk, etc. I'm here for you if you need me!
I don't know what to say, except I care about you and Maggie so very much!! You have come so far, and I have no idea what you are feeling, but try to stay strong, honey-your honesty is refreshing-the real way you feel-"spent"!!
by the way, I am Kristin Goslee VanVamp's mom, Linda, who used to live across the street when you grew up..love you and your mom, and now your Maggie!!
Sarah....Im so sorry you're feeling so bad. You've had a rough year. I spoke with Patti last night and she was telling me Maggie was probobly going to have surgery. Someday this will all be over...keep reminding yourself of that. Maggie is beautiful and happy thanks to you. You need some "you" time to just do something nice for yourself, easier said than done I know. Things WILL get better.
Lauri Kanuck
On many a day, I could have written this post. I applaud you for being so honest with your feelings. Honor them.
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