Happy Second 1st Birthday, Maggie!

Is it just me, or is this cake addressed to "Meggie"? (I'm sure there's a story there somewhere, but we'd have to ask my mom...)

One year ago today, I brought my Miracle Maggie home from the hospital. One hundred and five long days and nights spent praying, begging, crying, missing her, looking at her empty crib, clothes hanging in the closet unworn... and I finally got to take her home.

I have to admit, today actually means MORE to me than her actual birthday, in a weird way. After Maggie was born, she didn't feel like mine. When she was six days old, and I held her, I fell in love with her. I wanted her to be mine, but she still wasn't, really. I had no power over when to hold her, when to change her diaper, or how much she ate. I was her mother, supposedly, but other people were raising her. Even though I visited every day, she spent more time with her nurses than she did with me. Every time I held her, I felt the need to introduce myself to her again "Hi. I'm your mom. Remember me?"

But a year ago, we put her in the car, and pulled out of Lankenau Hospital's driveway. I was shaking, with excitement AND fear. I half-expected alarms to go off as we crossed the threshold onto the street, or for police cars to follow behind us and ask us to pull over. I half-expected someone to rush out of the hospital entrance and say, "There's been a mistake. You have to bring her back in."

Celebrating Maggie's real birthday in May was actually really painful for me. I relived the fearful hours before her birth, the fear of losing her still so fresh. I struggled with guilt-- I cannot help but feel that my body somehow failed her, and therefore *I* had somehow failed her. The anniversary of Maggie's birth was admittedly NOT a very happy day for me.

Today, I got to celebrate. I felt the joy that I should have felt on May 1st. We had a party with close family and friends here in Cape Cod. We bought a cake. We let her put her hands in the frosting (which she was a little more interested in than in May), took pictures, and celebrated our miracle. We celebrated the anniversary of welcoming Maggie into our family forever. I smiled. I laughed. I did NOT cry. I did NOT feel sad. I did NOT feel like a failure. Today, I remembered the 1 pound, 9 ounce baby that was born in May last year and thought "HA! We did it!" Today was a good day. Today was a special day.

And so, EVERY year, our girl will have a "second birthday"-- if not for HER, then for me.

~Sara