Unexpected Treat

Maggie was 1/2 ounce into her evening feeding when she decided to yank out her NG tube (tape and all). We took the opportunity to catch a few tube-free pictures and throw her in the tub!
Enjoy!

Maggie learned to raspberry recently (we have no idea where she picked it up): Mommy singing "eeIIIeeIIIohhh" to get Maggie to smile (only moderate results):

Alphalpha in the tubby:

My sweet Smiley Magoo:

"Splish Splash I was takin' a bath, long about a Saturday night!":

~Sara

1st Cereal Pictures (and others)

Since Maggie's been home, she has slept in a bassinet next to our bed. At first, I was afraid of the apnea monitor going off and not being able to get to her in time. Once we got rid of the monitor, I was afraid I wouldn't hear her if she woke up hungry (she doesn't cry to be fed, EVER.) It took me a while, but I finally decided to try putting her to sleep in her own room. She went right down, didn't fuss, and slept all night.

However, we woke up to this:

She scooted herself off the wedge (reduces reflux if she sleeps elevated), and got her feet between the slats:"Look at my cool new trick!":"What? I didn't do anything...":

Pictures from the cereal experiment:
"Mom, I got all sticky. I need a bath." "You guys are right! This eating thing is FUN!":Maggie has Mommy's eyes:

~Sara

Got Rice?

Yesterday, Maggie's OT Allie suggested we try some Rice Cereal. The feeding clinic had recommended waiting until Feb.1st, when Maggie will be six months old corrected. Close enough.

Peanut Face did really well, all things considered. She gagged a bit, and made lots of faces in the beginning, but for the most part seemed to enjoy the new experience. On 2 occasions, she actually opened her mouth as if to say "Give me more!". I was pretty excited. She was in the high chair for about 30 minutes altogether, and held her head up well and supported her body without any extra towels or blankets.

We'll keep with the rice for the next couple of days, and then move on to Oatmeal and Barley. After all of those, we'll begin vegetables and fruits. I think Sweet Potatoes might be the first thing. It's sweet, so she'll like it, but mild enough not to completely throw her off.

My big Christmas gift this year was a Cuisinart from my parents. I am excited to make Maggie's babyfood! My friend Michele lent me a great book, and I think I am all ready to go!

Maggie is still tolerating the formula well. She spits up a couple times a day still, so no puke free days yet. But the volume seems smaller, so that's been encouraging.

I wonder sometimes, if it's just taken this long for her GI system to mature. Some micropreemies go home with oxygen and respiratory difficulty. Maggie doesn't have that problem, thank God. So maybe this is her "preemie" thing. I have seen improvement in the last few weeks, which has been good for ALL of us. It's nice to see that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel.

(I'd be lying, though, if I didn't admit that the glass-half-empty part of me is still waiting for something to go wrong again.)

We're waiting for Spring! I am tired of being in the house, and of not being able to take Maggie anywhere. Even to just run to the grocery store would be fun at this point! I can't wait for May!

Maggie will be 9 months old next week. It strikes me as strange that she will be alive for the same length of an average pregnancy. I don't know why, but it does.

~Sara

I might be jinxing us, but...

So far, the transition to formula has been smooth.

Maggie finished off the last of my breastmilk this morning. I'm sure it was more of an event for me than for her, and since I was at work, I didn't even get to witness it. (I think this was a good thing, because I probably would have cried.)

My dad said she had a pretty good day today. Only one major throw-up, and it was just after she had eaten 3/4 of and ounce from the bottle (yes, you read that right). She still isn't a great burper, and my dad thinks it was really just a trapped burp that triggered the vomiting. She took a long nap this afternoon, and woke up and ate another 3/4 of an ounce from the bottle (yes, you read that right again).

We are actually doing a trial back on the Neosure, which is the preemie formula we were discharged with to add to the breastmilk. I wondered in the beginning if Maggie was vomiting because of the formula, that she had a milk allergy. But we tried fortifying the breastmilk with the Neosure for a few days, and she has had it all afternoon and evening without much fanfare, so that's good news. The Neosure is specially formulated with extra calories and nutrients that Maggie needs as a preemie, so it makes everyone (read: pediatricians and parents) happy that she's tolerating it so far. I haven't seen a change in the vomiting since starting it, so as long as it doesn't get worse, and she doesn't get a rash or anything, I'm going to keep her on it.

I am getting excited about starting Maggie on baby foods. I am getting NERVOUS about starting Maggie on baby foods. I am so afraid that she will hate eating altogether, that it's not just a fear of the bottle, that she'll develop a full on oral aversion. She does let me put my fingers in her mouth, and just about every toy, blanket, binky in sight has been drooled on and chewed on, so that's good news. She even lets me rub her gums with the washcloth in her nighttime tubby, and when she's fussy, is often comforted when I rub her bottom gums (I think the teeth are moving around in there).

I feel better today than I did yesterday. I know that I gave her breastmilk for as long as I was able to. And that's great. It was much longer than many other women I know-- so many times I'll ask patients about breastfeeding, and they throw in the towel after only a couple of weeks. So I'm proud of myself, and I am trying to let go of the guilt...

It will be a struggle for a long time, I suppose. This misdirected guilt about premature delivery. It might be worse for me since I am in OB/GYN. I can't shake the feeling that I should have known. That I blew off my symptoms because of what I do for a living. But even if I had said something when I felt pressure at 24 weeks, even if I had been checked that Monday or Tuesday before she was born when I was so uncomfortable, even if I had thought to place a call to my practice at 5am when I woke up in pain... she would have come early.

She was always going to be a preemie. And I got picked to be her mommy. That's been my mantra when my thoughts darken. I got picked for her. So I will continue to forge on for my girl, my miracle, my sweet Peanut Face.

I got picked for her.
I got picked for her.

~Sara

End of an Era

We will officially run out of breastmilk within 24 hours.

That sentence makes me cry.

I know I needed to stop pumping for my own sanity. Being attached to that machine for 20-25 mins every 3-4 hours was killing me. And, emotionally, I am better able to care for Maggie since I stopped. I can't help but feel like I should have been willing to sacrifice my time for her to continue to have breastmilk. Like I stopped for selfish reasons.

In a way, if I'm being honest, I did. I wanted to have a glass of wine. I wanted to drink MILK again, for Pete's sake. I wanted my body back. I wanted to not have to remember all the pump attachments and ice packs and lug it all to work every morning. I wanted that extra half hour of sleep in the morning, and the extra half hour of sleep at night.

But, ugh, it's what kept her ALIVE.

Maggie's endoscopy got bumped (twice), so we are rescheduled for Feb 26th. The last week in February might just kill me-- Monday is Feeding Clinic in Philadelphia (Dan's going because I have to work), Wednesday is our regular OT appointment here at home, Thursday is the endoscopy once again in Philadelphia, Friday is our follow up with Developmental Pediatrics and Dr. Bernbaum.

On Saturday, I'm gonna self-medicate with some Sour Apple Martinis.

Sometimes I am just so exhausted with all of this. I just want Maggie to eat, to stop throwing up, to be a normal baby. I still grieve so much for my "normal" experience.

~Sara

Food for the Photo Fiend

"Those lights are aMAZing!!":"Are all of those for me?"
"I think I like Christmas!":"Can we play with 'em now?":

Where's Waldo, I mean, Maggie?:Maggie really does blend in a little here:
A new discovery... TOES!:

Auntie Katie and Uncle Paul got me this outfit for Christmas! Mommy's new favorite!:

"My Little Peanut":Great Grammy trying to get Maggie to take a nap:More success for Great Grampy:

8 degrees outside = get the snowsuit:
All bundled up:
Maggie and Daddy:

Maggie is rolling over now! The first few times she did it, we acted like she won the SuperBowl. A few days later, she rolled over and we didn't make as much noise as usual, and she looked at us like "Hey, this is where you clap and cheer!" So, of course, we will oblige with the appropriate fanfare from now on...

Our endoscopy appointment was bumped last week, so we are rescheduled for February. Still no vomit free days yet, but we feel like there has been improvement. For a while, she was still vomiting 3-4 times a day. I noticed that she would vomit about 15 minutes after her Zantac dose. So, just to experiment, I stopped the medication. Lo and behold, less barfing. I also noticed that about 4 hours after her Prevacid dose, she would vomit up these sandy, grainy, black beads (the Prevacid is a solu-tab, and even though we dissolve it with water it still has granules in it). So I also stopped the Prevacid. Once again, less barf. We are now down to one, MAYBE two big barfs a day, so I feel like it's a step in the right direction. I have a call in to the GI doctor's office to see what their opinion is, but my thought is "First, do no harm". I'm holding her medications for now.

The Daley Dairy will soon be out of reserves. I can't believe we've gone through almost 34 gallons of breastmilk! I pumped for 6 full months, and Maggie will have gotten breastmilk for about 9 months. Not bad, if I do say so myself. We are currently mixing Nutramigen into the breastmilk to amp up Maggie's calories to 22 cals/ounce. She seems to be tolerating this well, so we are hopeful the transition to all formula will not be a difficult one.

We also got the go ahead to begin baby foods and cereal next month. My parents got me a Cuisinart for Christmas, and I plan to make my own baby food for Maggie! We all hope that she enjoy eating and between that and the introduction of a sippy cup in the next few months, we will hopefully be able to take out the NG tube for good! Please keep this in your prayers!

~Sara

Extraordinary Powers of Hearing

I think Maggie can hear me type.

Last night, at 9:30pm, I was emailing a friend and I happened to mention that Maggie hadn't thrown up ALL DAY. I also said that I wasn't willing to blog about it, because she hadn't gone to sleep for the night, and didn't want to jinx myself.

She threw up all over the place at 9:45pm.

SO CLOSE...

And sadly, she just tossed up all her breakfast, so there goes the hope of TODAY being our first vomit-free day since August 16th.

Maybe tomorrow.

~Sara

ps- Leftover Christmas pictures and some other cute ones coming later today....

Long Awaited

Again, not the best picture quality (we need to get a light for the video camera, I think), but the audio is the important part. I think I've watched this every day since we caught it on tape. I'm in LOVE...

~Sara

A Year Of Pictures

Dear Maggie,
Happy 8th month birthday! What a year 2008 has been! Here is your year in pictures:

January 2008:
Your first official trip to Disney World. I am 10 weeks pregnant with you when Daddy finishes the Disney Marathon! I tell Daddy after the trip that I want to write Disney a letter because they said EVERYTHING is more magical in Disney. Well, Little Girl, you showed me that morning sickness is NOT more magical!

February 2008:

We have many ultrasounds with the doctor. You earn the nickname "Gummy Bear" because Daddy and I think you look like one in this ultrasound.

March 2008:

We find out you're a girl! Mommy wished and wished for you to be a little girl! I cry so hard when I see you on the ultrasound!April 2008:

Shortly before Mommy's water breaks, your Grandma and Grandpa adopt Scout from the Golden Retreiver Rescue in Reading, PA. I know he is the right dog for our family, because you kick me everytime you hear him bark!May 1st, 2008:

What a scary, overwelming time, Little One. You come into the world 14 weeks early, and weigh only 1 1/2 pounds. The whole world begins a vigil for you. Even so small, you are always a fighter!
June 2008:

Happy Birthday, Mommy! On Mommy's 32nd birthday at the end of the month, you reach the 3 pound mark. What a great birthday gift! This means you are big enough to wear regular clothes and come out of the incubator for longer periods of time. Mommy LOVES holding you! Mommy, Daddy, and many of your family and friends come to visit you in the hospital. Mommy and Daddy sit with you EVERY SINGLE DAY, and pray and pray you will be well.
July 2008:

You are getting bigger now, and you can breathe on your own without extra oxygen. You are beginning to have a personality, and made us fall even MORE in love with you! You also graduate to an open crib-- BYE BYE incubator!

August 2008:

You are still having trouble drinking all your milk, so we learn to give it to you through your tubey. You come home on August 13th, 2008. One week after your original due date!

September 2008:

You are eating enough now, so the tubey can come out. You still struggle to eat, but Mommy and Daddy are patient, and you gain enough weight to leave the tube out for 8 weeks! We have your Christening at St. Elizabeth's Church. What a happy day for our family!

October 2008:

Road Trip! We get special permission from your pediatrician to go up to Connecticut for Great Grammy and Great Grampy's 80th birthday party! It is the first time you meet alot of Mommy's family. At the end of the month, you are our Sweet Punkin for Halloween! Around the end of the month, we discover you are starting to lose weight, and are still struggling to eat, so the tubey has to go back in.

November 2008:

Happy First Thanksgiving, Gobble Girl! Mommy puts you in your high chair for the very first time, and you play with your spoon. You're not too excited when you try mashed potatoes for the first time, but everyone at the table giggles at the faces you make!

December 2008:

Merry Christmas, My Peanut Face! You are laughing and smiling all the time, and Daddy and I call you "Smiley Magoo" (sometimes just Magoo for short)! You have a wonderful first Christmas and have many, many adorable outfits to wear that celebrate the season. We take you to Gardener's Tree Farm to get your first Christmas tree. It's so cold that day that Daddy and Grandpa pick the tree while you and I wait in the car. We rush over to the tree, take a picture, and back into the warm car you go!

Oh, my sweet baby, it's hard not to be sad when I think of all you have been through in 2008. I want you to know how proud I am to be your Mommy. You have taught me about patience, strength, and beauty. I am so lucky to have you in my life. I know that 2009 will bring us wonderful new memories with you.

I love you this year as always.

Love,

Mommy